Yates nearly choked on his Horlicks when he heard the team names for the Caribbean Premier League. Things seem to be getting a bit silly. So here Yates takes it to a bit of an extreme. Warning – lots of typical immature male humour below the cut. You have been warned.
Guyana Amazon Warriors? Ooh, sounds nice. Does that mean there are some real Amazon Warriors in the team? Are Lynda Carter or Lucy Lawless in the team? Er, no. Beth Phoenix? Nope. Jane Couch? Think again. Bull Nakano? Nyet. Jazz? Think again. Chyna? Uh-uh.
William Perkins, fake catch claimer Denesh “Talk Nah Viv” Ramdin, Narsingh Deonarine, Mohammad Hafeez Ronnie Sarwan, Lendl Simmons and Martin Guptill are squad members. Hafeez, Sarwan, Simmons and Guptill are fine cricketers, particularly Guptill and Hafeez, who are favourites of Yates and with their talent should dominate but is that squad really Amazon Warrior material?
Someone’s got their marketing a bit wrong there. Bull Nakano and Chyna would chokeslam and moonsault that team into oblivion.
Think of it this way – having animal names for limited overs games gives the chance to get a mascot in and a bit of fun for the spectators at the Mascot’s antics. Sid The Shark at Sussex is Yates’ favourite mascot. But what will these teams have as mascots or crowd entertainment?
Will the Antigua Hawksbills be coming onto the field to The Birdie Song? The T&T Red Steel has vaguely Russian overtones to it. Players marching out onto the field a la Russian May Day military parade marching? Don’t think the Trinidadian weather is great for wearing those thick Russian Army greatcoats and fur hats though. Doubt the umpires will be saying “Job Tvojemadj” (Google it but be warned it’s offensive) to players when they’re given out either. The Barbados Tridents conjures images of players branding the three pronged forks a la Devil and poking people in the backsides.
Best team name comes from when Yates misheard the Jamaica team name and cried with laughter. Jamaica Tallywhackers? No, it’s Jamaica Tallawahs but it’s close enough to Tallywhacker so the name has stuck.
In Yates’ view these team names don’t convey anything which will generate loyalty. A significant amount of mickey taking perhaps.
If we’re going to go the whole hog and have really silly team names, especially ones which are near to euphemisms for naughty boday parts then let’s go the whole hot and do it properly. Make it a worldwide tournament so every country gets the opportunity to have teams with silly, snigger rendering names like these:
- Pune Purple Helmets
- Deccan Dongs
- Sydney Schlong Mongers
- Wellington Wiener Wielders
- Birmingham Boners
- London Lovehunters (using the Whitesnake album cover art, this shirt will be a belter)
- Kolkata Kielbasas
- Texas Throbbers
- Stuttgart Schniedelwutz
OK, we’ve done the guys’ euphemisms, let’s do a few for the ladies…
- Victoria Vajayjays
- Tasmania Tuna Canoeists
- Harayana Happy Valleys
- Manchester Piers Morgans (well, Morgan is a ….)
- Chennai David Camerons (and so is Cameron)
- Faisalabad Furburgers
- Rajasthan Raw Oysters
- Nagpur Nork Nommers
- Ahmadabad Airbag Adorers
It is a silly place but this mockery highlights where the T20 Franchise idea is going – towards the comical, the silly and the deservedly mocked.