Sachin: Ave Atque Vale? Er, No.

Yates feels that it would not be appropriate to unleash this article on you without a word of friendly warning.

We are about to discuss the retirement of Sachin Tendulkar here with some colourful metaphors which may be likely to offend.  It may thrill you. It may shock you.  It might even horrify you.  Proceed no further if you are a mindless BCCI loving drone, convinced that a now retired Indian batsman (or, in fact, any other batsman) is some kind of deity or are offended by colourful metaphors.

Well, we did warn you…

The (possibly overdue) retirement of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar has been scripted to near perfection by the BCCI.  Scared by the possibility that Dale Steyn, Morne Morkel and Marchant de Lange might make the gradually failing Sachin their bitch, Numbnuts Srinivasan resurrected his dislike of Cricket South Africa’s newly appointed CEO Haroon Lorgat and in a cynical stroke that even the WWE at its worst would never have done, cancelled the tour to South Africa and flew in a West Indies side weaker than Yates’ urine for the Pride of India to gorge themselves on.

Sachin is the BCCI’s biggest cash cow, revered by millions above all others, not least by Numbnuts for the billions of rupees he brings in.  The idea of him being worked over by South Africa’s pace machine would not make a fitting end to his career in the eyes of Numbnuts and his cronies.  The record books wouldn’t say just how piss poor the West Indies are right now or how the BCCI played the situation to get what they wanted.

All in all this has spoiled what should have been a celebration of a great player and humble guy, at least that’s what the publicity would have you believe.  Yates has never met the guy so isn’t in a position to judge that side of things.  However, Yates is in a position to comment on the media and social media.

The online mass circle jerk that’s been going on for the last few weeks has been sickening to behold.  If Yates wants to see people getting off over someone there are plenty of bukkake videos online he can go and find (Google it if you want but please don’t do it at work).  If Twitter was a physical premises, the cushions on the cricket floor would be wetter than a fat goth at a swingers’ club and the floor squelchier than the seediest adult cinema.

The Sachintards, those devotees whose reverence for Sachin precludes any intelligent understanding of points contrary to their own beliefs have been out slating anyone who dares to question anything about Tendulkar.  This is a guy who got punished for ball tampering and for whom the BCCI bullied the match referee, Mike Denness into retirement.  Yates hates to break it to the millions who revere him but Sachin Tendulkar is not a god and is not perfect.

Then we have the Goebbels like BCCI commentary puppets.  Maybe the comparison with Goebbels is too kind.  Perhaps Chemical Ali is more the kind of thing we should be labelling the BCCI commentarytards with.

When Nigel Llong adjuged Tendulkar lbw to Shane Shillingford for 10 in the first test match (DRS would have saved him) there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.  The West Indies capitulated like the French (sorry to any Frenchies reading, Yates knows that being compared to that shower of shit playing under the banner of the West Indies is not nice) giving India victory by an innings and meaning Sachin only batted once in the match.

Then at Sachin’s home ground, the appropriately named Wankhede stadium, the jerking off reached Warp 9.  Even MS Dhoni’s wrists would have ached.  How many homes could be powered by the energy expended in this self-pleasure slobberknocker?  How many boxes of Kleenex were rushed through?  How many tv screens and computer keyboards needed cleaning? Yes, OK, it was Sachin’s 200th test match.  It was also Shivnarine Chanderpaul’s 150th test match, yet there was bugger all mention of that.  Yates raises his glass to Shiv Chanderpaul on his achievement.

Predictably the West Indies capitulated again.  Yates can imagine Michael Holding shaking his head in bemusement, something Yates is doing too.  Yates grew up with the West Indies annihilating everyone, occasionally smackng an English bastman (usually in the head) and only getting top news attention when they lost a test match.  Which they invariably avenged with a brutal beating in the next test match.

Let’s not stray off topic too much.  The way the BCCI have manipulated this whole situation is nauseating in the extreme.  The BCCI have tainted Sachin Tendulkar’s farewell in the worst kind of way.  Worse than failing a drugs test or being caught with a rent boy, because those could have been explained as mere human failings.  Sachin’s farewell and the fwap fwap fwap of media and social media have turned this into a nauseating spectacle.

Yates is not saying Ave atque vale. He is saying “Thank Christ that’s over”.

Sachin’s legacy is now tainted thanks to the BCCI. If he is the cleaner than clean hero that so many believe him to be then it would be good for Sachin to get involved in the BCCI and clear out the corrupt and self serving elements therein.  Tendulkar, Laxman and Dravid clearing out the BCCI would be a lovely thing to behold.

The BCCI already have another cash cow ready to drop in place.  Virat Kohli.  He’s as talented as Tendulkar but he’s better looking.  The BCCI will play the Indian spectators just as they have with Sachin and the Indian spectators will lap it all up, spending their hard earned rupees filling Numbnut’s coffers.

They might as well be selling WWE Wyatt Family sheep masks.