Category Archives: Rants

Bellendery In Extremis

Yates’ Latin teacher was a very wise man. Of course, this was something which only became apparent with the passage of time. One of the many wise things he said was that history repeats itself. Yates will go further and say that if history repeats itself in the same organisation just over a year later then the people in that organisation are imbecilic bellends of the worst kind.

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An Open Letter To Colin Graves And Tom Harrison

Dear Colin and Tom,

I don’t envy you the tasks you guys now face.  You take up your roles at the ECB with the national governing body looking greedy, petty, obsessive, controlling, incompetent, mendacious, out of touch and snobbish.  Most importantly the ECB has alienated a lot of people and smeared an imperial shedload of faeces on its brand over the course of 2014.

If it weren’t for Ched Evans the FA would look better than the ECB right now.  That’s how bad things are.

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2014 Season Commentary Feedback

When prompted to e-mail the BBC and ECB with feedback on this season’s cricket commentaries, Yates sent one response to the BBC and a fuller response to the ECB.  Yates has previously expounded his support for the County commentary teams.

Praise is given where due but so is criticism.  If you’re new to DCTWO then please take it as read that as a Surrey supporter I am a big fan of Mark Church and Johnny Barran’s commentaries.    Some people (*cough* Michael Vaughan *cough*) would do well to embrace their Twitter presences and bring them to the commentary box – his recent tweets have been much better than his TMS output.   TMS in its current state is a vastly inferior product to what it used to be – it needs overhauling.

That said, so does anything in the ECB which Giles Clarke and Paul Downton have had anything to do with.

Yates is looking forward to reading KP’s autobiography.

Thank you to all involved in the County Cricket Commentaries during 2014. May you all winter well.

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ECB England – A Devalued Team

The announcement of Peter Moores as England Head Coach has confirmed Yates’ thinking since Paul Downton was announced as Managing Director of England Cricket.

Instead of harshly examining a system which is obsessed with turning fast bowlers into musclebound mechanical men who break down far too often or looking into why the batting coaches were unable to get through to the England top order how to play Mitchell Johnson, Downton decided that he’s tired of dealing with those bloody irritating colonials who speak their mind and used the Ashes whitewash as the ideal opportunity to saddle Kevin Pietersen with the blame.

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Lick The Window Of Stupidity

Inspired by a certain yogurt advertising campaign, this is a phrase Yates has had floating around his mind for a while.  It occasionally gets an airing as part of the phrase “Better to lick the lid of life than the Window Of Stupidity”.  The last couple of days has seen the Window Of Stupidity take one hell of a licking thanks to the antics and poor management in the Aussie cricket team.

Yates has no issue with desires for professionalism.  Maybe Arthur & Clarke have seen the error of their ways so far and said “enough is enough”.  As a result they have screwed consistency and a clear message without drama and made themselves and Cricket Australia a laughing stock.  Ijaz Butt, Justin Vaughan and Ernest Hilaire must be wetting themselves with laughter.

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The Tech Doesn’t Work!

For the last two nights Yates has tried in vain to watch live coverage of the New Zealand v England test match.  The operative phrase here is in vain.  Yates’ family has a Virgin Media subscription, lots of sports channels because we all have different sporting interests.  Other family members like motor sports, F1, speedway, NFL and Yates likes the cricket.

The TV Anywhere service is allocated to Yates to keep the cricket off the big screen tv in the lounge.  That keeps Yates’ mother happy because she hates cricket and keeps the Yates’ knackers free from being headbutted by the parents’ dog.  For those who don’t know, the TV Anywhere service is Virgin’s equivalent of SkyGo – “watch your favourite channels anywhere you have an internet connection” being the general claim.  However, the truth of it, the experience if you will, is something rather different.

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Vile Utterances

Many UK based cricket followers will know that yesterday was the inquest into the death of Tom Maynard.  A hard day for Tom’s family, friends and all those who watched him play for Surrey and Glamorgan.  Yates has nothing to add to the reporting from the likes of the excellent George Dobell, Nick Hoult, Legisde Lizzy and all the others who tweeted from the inquest.

Then Edwina Currie opened her vile mouth.

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Shut Up Jabba!

David “Jabba The Hutt” Collier reckons that, although he hasn’t seen any of the BBM messages, the whole KPGate incident was an attempt by the South African team to provoke Kevin Pietersen and disrupt team morale.

The first thought that comes to mind is what the hell was Collier doing going on Sportsweek to discuss KPGate? Surely it is now supposed to be under a clear process which will be behind closed doors and thus merits a “this is not up for discussion” response.

Hardly the act of a Chief Executive who is supportive of the “re-integration” process and objective.  Hardly the act of a Chief Executive who can be trusted – remember there is supposed to be a bond of trust between employer and employee.

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Verbal Diarrhoea From The ECB

You wouldn’t have gotten any more faeces out of Seedy Giles Clarke if you’d have given him a double dose of Picolax twenty minutes before yesterday’s press conference. Are the ECB now sponsored by Andrex?

What is all this crap about a “Holding camp” and a “Programme”?  Some kind of illegal alien alcoholic treatment centre?  Drunk Daleks with delirium tremens?  Plastered Primords peeing and puking pyrotechnically? Wankered Weeping Angels wobbling off into the night?  Has Seedy Giles been talking to Steven Moffat?

Those in charge of English cricket have been shown up as inflated buffoons obsessed with verbal diarrhoea.  This was was verbal diarrhoea at its worst from a serial offender.  One thing Seedy Giles has managed is to get the word “Re-integration” mocked mercilessly.

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The Feckless Five

If there is any element of truth in Nick Hoult’s article in today’s Telegraph, it goes to show that Yates was wrong about the Three Stooges.  It is The Feckless Five  – Hugh Morris, Giles Clarke, David Collier, Geoff Miller and Andy Flower – who are showing their complete unsuitability for working with top level sportsmen.

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