Category Archives: England

Team Waitrose Or Team BBC? Agnew Must Decide

You may have seen the cringingly awful Waitrose promo video that hit the net last week and then mysteriously disappeared.

If you didn’t see it then let Yates provide a brief summary.

“Starring” Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad doing the Full Kit W****rs thing in a Waitrose store with BBC Cricket Correspondent Jonathan Agnew providing TMS style commentary.  The advert featured Jimmy rubbing an apple on his groin a la polishing the ball, Stuart diving to catch something dropped by a shopper, David “Bumble” Lloyd as a delivery driver and a nauseating name check for Paul Downton right at the end.

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ECB England – A Devalued Team

The announcement of Peter Moores as England Head Coach has confirmed Yates’ thinking since Paul Downton was announced as Managing Director of England Cricket.

Instead of harshly examining a system which is obsessed with turning fast bowlers into musclebound mechanical men who break down far too often or looking into why the batting coaches were unable to get through to the England top order how to play Mitchell Johnson, Downton decided that he’s tired of dealing with those bloody irritating colonials who speak their mind and used the Ashes whitewash as the ideal opportunity to saddle Kevin Pietersen with the blame.

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Pre-Test Balls Ups

Two test matches, two pre-test balls ups.  Yates wonders what the rest of the Ashes series will bring us and is pondering whether the correct use of the phrase is “balls up”, “balls-up” or “ballsup” (as in that much loved technical term “titsup”).

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Specsavers Special

The second day of the first Ashes test has been a memorable one for debutant Ashton Agar, demonstrating a batting prowess that is considerably higher than his position in the Aussie batting order.  Only the hardest hearted would have begrudged the young man the century that he fell 2 runs short of.

For non Australians today will be remembered for poor England bowling against Agar and Phil Hughes and for two very poor decisions by Elite Panel umpire on TV duty Marais Erasmus.

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Ball Tampering: ICC Vindicate Darrell Hair

Thanks to Bob Willis’ moaning about England “ball tampering” during the Champions Trophy and people looking for a story, the ICC have suddenly decided to “empower” umpires with regards to dealing with ball tampering.  Umpires will now be free to act on any suspicions they have, regardless of any lack of eye witness or camera evidence.

By taking this decision, the ICC have both vindicated Darrell Hair’s stance in the now infamous Oval test of 2006  and also put themselves in a precarious position.  In the Oval test Umpire Hair believed that the condition of the ball had been changed by Pakistan and awarded 5 penalty runs to England.  Pakistan refused to take the field after tea and rightly forfeited the match, as the Laws of Cricket required.

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Aussie Ashes Squad – Big Fat Hairy Deal

In the aftermath of Homeworkgate and licking the window of stupidity, the Banana Bunch of Cricket Australia (with apologies to Deep Purple) have announced the names of those entrusted with trying to get the Ashes back from England:

Small CA Bananas

Michael Clarke (capt), Brad Haddin (vice-capt, wk), David Warner, Ed Cowan, Phillip Hughes, Shane Watson, Usman Khawaja, Chris Rogers, Matthew Wade (wk), James Faulkner, Ryan Harris, Peter Siddle, James Pattinson, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Jackson Bird.

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The Tech Doesn’t Work!

For the last two nights Yates has tried in vain to watch live coverage of the New Zealand v England test match.  The operative phrase here is in vain.  Yates’ family has a Virgin Media subscription, lots of sports channels because we all have different sporting interests.  Other family members like motor sports, F1, speedway, NFL and Yates likes the cricket.

The TV Anywhere service is allocated to Yates to keep the cricket off the big screen tv in the lounge.  That keeps Yates’ mother happy because she hates cricket and keeps the Yates’ knackers free from being headbutted by the parents’ dog.  For those who don’t know, the TV Anywhere service is Virgin’s equivalent of SkyGo – “watch your favourite channels anywhere you have an internet connection” being the general claim.  However, the truth of it, the experience if you will, is something rather different.

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What If…?

Any tour of India is a challenge. It becomes even more so when the perception is that the touring batsmen generally haven’t a clue against spin bowling on turning pitches along with the well documented story known as KPGate which could equally have been called ECB Couldn’t Manage A Slash In The Morning Gate.

As Yates wrote previously, “Flower must manage and monitor Sally Broad, Graeme Swann and James Anderson equally as much as he manages and monitors KP”.  It seems like most of the tour party has come out with the usual platitudes the “Re-integration process” has gone well and they’re glad that a line has been drawn so people can move forwards.  Business bullshit bingo to the fore.

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Eric Simons Gets It, Why Don’t The ECB?

With David Collier’s senseless outburst yesterday, Yates has spent much of the day wondering what Collier thought he would be able to achieve.  An answer is as far away now as it ever was.  So it was a delight to read that what the Feckless Five at the ECB don’t get, someone else does.

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Verbal Diarrhoea From The ECB

You wouldn’t have gotten any more faeces out of Seedy Giles Clarke if you’d have given him a double dose of Picolax twenty minutes before yesterday’s press conference. Are the ECB now sponsored by Andrex?

What is all this crap about a “Holding camp” and a “Programme”?  Some kind of illegal alien alcoholic treatment centre?  Drunk Daleks with delirium tremens?  Plastered Primords peeing and puking pyrotechnically? Wankered Weeping Angels wobbling off into the night?  Has Seedy Giles been talking to Steven Moffat?

Those in charge of English cricket have been shown up as inflated buffoons obsessed with verbal diarrhoea.  This was was verbal diarrhoea at its worst from a serial offender.  One thing Seedy Giles has managed is to get the word “Re-integration” mocked mercilessly.

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