Bellendery In Extremis

Yates’ Latin teacher was a very wise man. Of course, this was something which only became apparent with the passage of time. One of the many wise things he said was that history repeats itself. Yates will go further and say that if history repeats itself in the same organisation just over a year later then the people in that organisation are imbecilic bellends of the worst kind.

The appointment of Andrew “Extremely Unprofessional” Strauss to the newly created Director of Cricket role was a huge step backwards and a sumo wrestler sized disappointment after the promising start made by Tom Harrison in getting shot of Paul Downton. It seems a headhunting consultancy was involved in assessing Strauss for the role. It must have been bloody hard work, sycophantically telling an idiot (however well meaning) CEO that replacing one clueless besuited establishment pillock with another would help turn English cricket around. What track record does Strauss have in the real world for such a role?

It was always going to be jobs for the old boys. What a damn shame the Freedom of Information act doesn’t apply to the ECB. It would be fascinating to read the correspondence, job descriptions and the big fat fucking bill the ECB coughed up for the headhunters’ services.

Which are paid for by the cost of your test match and ODI tickets. Remember that.

Strauss then appears to have managed to get the dismissal of Peter Moores leaked to the press before Moores himself was told. Oh yes, this is the new ECB. Yates is no fan of Strauss and saw this as merely a tactic to show that at least this new besuited establishment pillock could make at least one decision that might be well received.

Judging by some of the reactions in the press, perhaps not. Andrew Miller’s recent evaluation of Moores and his second decline makes interesting reading. Moores seems a decent chap who lives, eats and breathes cricket. He seems the kind of guy Yates could spend Friday evenings in the pub with and maybe skip the classic rock night in place of ongoing cricketing discussion (and that’s a compliment).

As a coach Moores is a product of the ECB coaching system . Therefore any limitations he has are as much the fault of the ECB system rather than Moores himself.   CPD (Continuing Professional Development) is only any good if the foundations you have in place are themselves any good. When pressure is on, people rely on their training and their talent. Now we aren’t all blessed with the talents of AB de Villiers (or Mark Ealham, one of Yates’ perennial favourites) so don’t have the same amount of talent and self-belief to dip into, so the training reserves take more of a hit.

If you’re trained/programmed/brainwashed/whatever to look at science and statistics over the less quantifiable aspects of performance, when the pressure hits that’s where you’re going to look, however cringeworthy it may be to many who heard that particular utterance. And yes, Yates did cringe and blaspheme slightly when this was uttered.

Having created him and trained him, the ECB in the form of Andrew “Extremely Unprofessional” Strauss then discarded him for failings their system did not identify or address. Misused, let down or wrongly cast, others will analyse and assess Moores and may say lack of international experience hindered him.

To them I ask “How many test matches did Mike Hesson play?” – He’s doing ok right now.

14 months after the retarded handling of KP’s ending of his ECB central contract by Paul Downton, Andrew Strauss has overseen a similarly imbecilic decision, made even more half-witted by the fact it came after KP scored 326* against Leicestershire. That the second highest score in the Surrey innings was 36 by Kumar Sangakkara should tell you something about how well Leicestershire bowled and how well KP batted. KP went on to finish undefeated on 355.

Andrew Miller was at Lord’s today and penned his thoughts.  It seems the Home of Cricket is in danger of becoming the home of bullshit too.

Yates had warned previously that Strauss’ previous conduct – calling KP a cunt live on air – showed that he could not be trusted to be impartial in the role. And Yates has been proven right. In an “interview” with Jonathan Agnew, Strauss referred to list of occasions where KP showed he cannot be trusted. “You were there Aggers”. Well how about sharing that list with the public? Whose ticket fees pay your fat salary.

It isn’t clear who else beyond Strauss at the ECB who has the “trust issues”. Colin Graves, Tom Harrison and Andrew Strauss are looking unpleasant and pathetic. Someone somewhere is lying. And where there are liars and leakers there cannot be any trust.

Same old modus operandi.

Then Kumar Sangakkara chimed in. This scholarly, principled yet humble man aimed his Twitter guns at Strauss and scored direct hits. Given that the last people Sangakkara took aim at were the self-serving elements of Sri Lanka Cricket, that shows you the kind of people he reserves his ire for.

Go and listen to Alec Stewart being interviewed by Mark Church. Take note of what The Gaffer says about KP.

Now KP has told his side of the story. Go and read it.

I’m truly sorry for the new and recently capped international players who are now associated with a shithouse organisation like the ECB. As has been said before, the ECB does a lot of good work at grass roots level. But charging top whack for international tickets when they won’t even consider selecting the top players is disgusting and arrogant in the extreme.

Are we to infer that it doesn’t matter if the Black Caps and then the Aussies give ECB England a brutal penguin f**king? Are we to believe that if ECB England get mauled there will not be any change at the top?

Again arrogance in the extreme. And deeply offensive to those who have spent their hard earned money on international tickets.

I bear no malice to the new and recently capped international players. But what they are representing is not something I as an Englishman want to be associated with. Yates had hoped that ECB England would merely be a short lived phase of piss poor management which ended with the arrival of a straight talking Yorkshireman. Instead it looks like ECB England will remain with us. The straight talking Yorkshireman looks more like a snake oil salesman, providing a front for a pair of besuited berks.

Remember the first paragraph here ended with “if history repeats itself in the same organisation just over a year later then the people in that organisation are imbecilic bellends of the worst kind”?

Ladies and gentlemen I give you Colin, Tom and Andrew – the Three Bellends.

If you want to make your voice heard at Exceptionally Clueless Bellend level? Hit the ECB in the pocket. Demand refunds on your international tickets. Cancel your Sky Sports subscriptions. Watch the cricket via streaming sites. Because you, the England cricket fan, the true stakeholder, deserve honesty, transparency and trustworthiness from your sport’s governing board. And you ain’t getting it.  The ECB’s brand toxicity continues to increase, at its own incompetent hands.