Today’s celebration of the 200th birthday of the Lord’s ground will not be remembered for the hundreds by Yuvraj Singh and Aaron Finch.  It will not be remembered for the bowling of Saeed Ajmal or Paul Collingwood.  It will not be remembered for Brett Lee breaking Shane Warne’s hand with a beamer.

It will be remembered for Andrew Strauss calling Kevin Pietersen a “cunt” on air.

(more…)

Saying The Wrong Thing: Paul Rupert Downton

People wonder what Yates’ beef is with Paul Rupert Downton and whether it’s personal. It isn’t personal. Even though his middle name is Rupert. Regular readers will know that any bad management and senior stupidity gets my ire. The ECB has excelled at both recently.

Yates is fundamentally opposed to Downton’s ditching of Kevin Pietersen, the bullshit reasons he’s used to justify this, his retention of David Saker and his refusal to do anything about the fast bowling coaching that ruins cricketers by interfering with talent and trying to make them fit one box.

Yates deeply resents being told that he is “outside cricket” purely for having opinions, expressing them and asking questions. Yates is nobody’s robot.

It bemuses Yates how a man who played only 30 tests, scoring 795 test runs can claim higher knowledge than one who has played over 100 tests and scored over 8000 test runs. Does working for a bank suddenly confer higher cricketing knowledge? If it does then why has Yates yet to see the Paul Downton cricket coaching manual?

(more…)

Dear Dave,

Yates is sorry to hear you’re a bit put out by the recent leaks of Lou Vincent and Brendan McCullum’s testimonies to the ACSU.

But you can’t be surprised at the frustration being felt by fans around the world that so few disciplinary measures or convictions have been achieved or contributed by the ACSU.  By so few I mean zero. Zip. None. Naff all. Not a God Damn thing.  The only convictions that have been achieved have come via discredited newspapers running scams and police tapping phone lines.  Nowhere was the ACSU to be seen.

(more…)

You may have seen the cringingly awful Waitrose promo video that hit the net last week and then mysteriously disappeared.

If you didn’t see it then let Yates provide a brief summary.

“Starring” Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad doing the Full Kit W****rs thing in a Waitrose store with BBC Cricket Correspondent Jonathan Agnew providing TMS style commentary.  The advert featured Jimmy rubbing an apple on his groin a la polishing the ball, Stuart diving to catch something dropped by a shopper, David “Bumble” Lloyd as a delivery driver and a nauseating name check for Paul Downton right at the end.

(more…)

The announcement of Peter Moores as England Head Coach has confirmed Yates’ thinking since Paul Downton was announced as Managing Director of England Cricket.

Instead of harshly examining a system which is obsessed with turning fast bowlers into musclebound mechanical men who break down far too often or looking into why the batting coaches were unable to get through to the England top order how to play Mitchell Johnson, Downton decided that he’s tired of dealing with those bloody irritating colonials who speak their mind and used the Ashes whitewash as the ideal opportunity to saddle Kevin Pietersen with the blame.

(more…)

The cricketing winter has been unpleasant in a number of well reported ways, so it was with a real sense of pleasure that Yates switched on the Surrey v Glamorgan commentary this morning.

When Yates was a student, the only cricket commentary he could find on his combined television/radio gadget was BBC Radio Wales.  So much of Yates’ academic output was created, revised, sworn at, rewritten and finally submitted with the tones of Edward Bevan, Don Shepherd and Wilf Wooller in the background.  And 20+ years later Edward Bevan’s voice is still the voice of BBC Radio Wales cricket.

To hear Mark Church and Edward Bevan commentating on that first session of the season bought a sense of happiness and well-being to Yates. First class cricket is the bedrock of our game and deserves good support.  The winter’s events – what was done, what was not and what should have been done – may well have repercussions still to come.

For now we can focus on county cricket and enjoy the start of the season.  The hopes, aspirations, predictions, rekindling of friendships and comradeships, taking seats at grounds and watching the game we love, discussing it online, getting selfies with players and the other stuff we do which friends and family may not understand.

To us all – players, commentators, journalists, writers, bloggers, supporters and everyone involved in cricket – Yates raises his glass to you and wishes you a happy and successful season.

Two test matches, two pre-test balls ups.  Yates wonders what the rest of the Ashes series will bring us and is pondering whether the correct use of the phrase is “balls up”, “balls-up” or “ballsup” (as in that much loved technical term “titsup”).

(more…)

Yates feels that it would not be appropriate to unleash this article on you without a word of friendly warning.

We are about to discuss the retirement of Sachin Tendulkar here with some colourful metaphors which may be likely to offend.  It may thrill you. It may shock you.  It might even horrify you.  Proceed no further if you are a mindless BCCI loving drone, convinced that a now retired Indian batsman (or, in fact, any other batsman) is some kind of deity or are offended by colourful metaphors.

Well, we did warn you…

(more…)

Yates offers hearty congratulations to Northamptonshire CCC on their excellent T20 title win last night.  Yates is delighted for them for a variety of reasons not least because Twitter was alive with many many Willey jokes which made him snigger.  The prospect of David Willey playing with Quinton de Kock in the same game looms as a possibility for mass innuendo and immense sniggering and laughter.

This piece was written mostly before the FLT20 Finals Day and would have been posted whether or not Surrey won the trophy.

(more…)

Yates nearly choked on his Horlicks when he heard the team names for the Caribbean Premier League.  Things seem to be getting a bit silly.  So here Yates takes it to a bit of an extreme.  Warning – lots of typical immature male humour below the cut.  You have been warned.

(more…)

Next Page »